Yeah- I don't know. It's early right now- 6:16PM to be exact. Not much going on- still early, I might try to find something to do later- not sure.
Not much has happened today. Sat around mostly- waiting for a phone call. The winter bums me out you know, I don't get to go outside and run around or sit on a bench and watch the day pass without freezing to death. Regardless- I must make it through until Spring.
Maybe I just need something to keep me preoccupied... I sold my 360 and DS awhile ago- so no video games. But, I actually like it better that way. It keeps me in check with reality. I like it better honestly; even though I stay in touch with all video game news and listen to every 1UP.com podcast every time they update it.
I love video games, but they distract me from reality. I regret selling my 360 and DS but I hardly ever played them when I had them. I'll eventually buy something else- but I need a job first. Desperately. Maybe I'll sell drugs, fuck I don't know.
Or start playing WoW again, haha. No.
I just need to get out of the house I think. I want to start running again, but it's harder to breathe in this weather and constricts my lungs, makes me feel trapped.
I did watch Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
Good movie- severely fucked up and if you've never watched the show then it would make no sense, still good.
I'm quite happy I got a Blogspot, it provides an outlet for me to write, even though it is essentially about me bitching about how pathetic my life is and how useless I am; but like here is an older excerpt of mine from earlier this year taken from my myspace blog (when I wrote in it), it was about a month before I moved back to Ohio, and it's quite different from anything you'll ever read on here. Here it is:
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2-20-07
I was out with my mother all day, I really should savor these times. I'm a failure, I'm comfortable with it though, I'm not upset because of my sad litttle automated transgressions, I saw this cop poking this homeless guy with a night-stick, I thought to myself
Why can't you leave him alone?
He's already homeless, he doesn't need you fucking him up even more. Now I sit here listening to Less than Jake, thinking how maybe I want to move back to a small town because I miss the fact that I never have to see that type of stuff, I don't know man, I'm like Al Pacino in the Godfather Part 3, wanting to get out, but by nature; can't. Maybe I am as bad as those people on TV, whining about how daddy won't let them do something, yeah... Well fuck you, you've got a fucking mercedes benz that you crash because your fucked up on meth. too bad, I think I'm like them because they ignore the problems of the rest of the world, in order to make myself feel more stable, maybe I escape to a small town for those types of reasons. I might be wrong, I might be going back there because it's my safe area, because I never worry about failing because things might end up working like I want, or maybe it's because I can't stand the west Coast, nothing against the place, but it's fucked up by nature. Hot winters, Hotter summers, I figured nature intended cold winters and cold summers. I really don't miss my friends, I miss going to concerts, and to the mall, and conversating, but I've lived a long time without it, I'm certain I could do it longer. There's no girl waiting for me, There's no cure for cancer, There's nothing, but I still want to go back. I guess I'm fucked by nature.
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2-21-07
It's 12:37 AM, yet I need this post.
My mother is drinking with her friends right now, I don't really care. It's her life, it's her body, if she wants to fuck it up, and destroy her organs it's her problem, just take it some-fucking-where else; I don't poison my body, I need my body. I plan on living I don't want slurs, and drunk words, and high ideas to cloud my vision, I've had that enough. It bothers me that people get drunk, here's the past few things I've heard.
"I love you so much guys!"
"You see this is my little sister"
[pointing to photograph]
"We just found out a little bit ago that she's not my father's child"
I heard that, and I hit that moment of transgression where I went: It's funny how much she really fucking cares, she'd tell her friends in a drunken slur; but not her son... I almost cried, honestly man, the drunkeness of society in general is a fucked conclusion, is it too hard for people to not drink? to go play video games, play pool, play cards, or even read... I honestly want to cry; why... just fucking why is it hard for me? Alot of parent's drink, I know this... But it bothers me because she's poisoning herself with what she likes... Can't people find a purpose instead of getting fucked?
I'm not quite "straight edge", I just limit myself, which is a comfortable position for me. I know people who are alcoholics and they aren't even 18; it's depressing how low their karma is man, I'm not preacking some psuedo-religious method here, I'm
only preaching what I know to be true.
They want to get drunk? Fine, fuck em' that only makes them easier to ignore, builds up your self-esteem, reminds of what goals not to achive in this life. If anyone is still reading I thank you, I don't care if people do read this, if so; thanks, if not; whatever.
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2-22-07
I can't do this anymore man.
Not quite sure why, I just can't face myself, I've woken up before; looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize myself, I could recognize my physical form, but not my spirit. I'm tired of being funny, tired of the laughter that I cause.
Andy Kauffman once got on stage and talked about how depressed he's been, and how he's a failure, people took it as a joke, he had to tell people he was being serious until they realized it's reality.
No one is happy go fucking lucky 24/7, myself included. I'd rather be monotone and taken seriously than being functional and funny.
At least then it wouldn't be a stretch when I write something serious, or poetic, or dark. It's a tough fucking nut to swallow when I can't even be taken serious by my peers.
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2-23-07
It's 10:49, Sitting here.
Thinking.
Questioning
Wondering.
Pondering.
Screaming.
Crying.
Dying.
Living.
Hurting.
Loathing.
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2-24-07
I'm depressed, I feel useless. I feel fragile, I feel sorrow. I feel bothered by myself.
I feel like I'm the reason for war.
I feel like I'm the reason we have AIDS.
I feel like everything bad happens is an omen from god, torturing my soul, destroying my core.
Trying to break me.
I always end up putting on this facade.
Making the truth sound in the distance, like closed doors.
I feel like my anger, my sorrow, my joy, my tears.
It's all just a sad note in history of how I became a useless peice of garbage.
I think if anything good will happen to me.
I know it won't.
I know it can't.
I know people won't let it.
I know people won't let me in.
I forget what warmth is.
Touch is.
Peace is.
I won't let it break me.
I can't.
I'd be as bad as them. I'd be the evil.
The weary.
The weak.
The dead.
The living.
The Apathetic.
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2-26-07
I'm scared, I'm afraid. I'm becoming what I hate.
I can't suffer it any longer.
I hate being alone, but I love isolation.
It's hard for me, I have everything I want, but not her.
She's too far away. Thank god, I'd only fuck it up even further.
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2-27-07
I started listening to Loveline today, that's a real good fucking thing, hearing about other peoples' sex life. Maybe I should make an effort for it, I don't know. I don't care. I care but, I'm too afraid to try.
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2-28-07
Today was boring, I wish I could sleep all day, I think about only drinking nyquil to make myself sleep. Just so I can avoid contact.
I shaved my beard and sideburns today.
Now, I regret it.
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It's weird for me to read that and know it was me. I mean I like the posts, because they were full of emotion and my feelings... But it's odd to read them. I don't really feel different about much of them, at least most of them. There are a few.
Anyways.
Well, I think I'm done for the day, I might post by the end of the night.
- Josh
(Still no Giant)
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