Thanks, Jack Silver.

Jesus I'm getting pathetic with my posting.
I'm not really going to reflect on the past since my last post, because not much has happened, to be honest.
So, I guess this will just be a fresh start, but I think that I do owe an explanation.

I've just been bummed out because of the holidays. I don't celebrate Christmas, and I think it's just a huge scam for companies to get 1,000 times more rich than they already are. Otherwise it's fine, I just don't really believe in gift giving, not to mention there really isn't anything I want, I'm cool otherwise.


I got into an argument with Fred last night. I threw him an idea I had, and he said it was controversial, which I dig. Then, I asked him why I'm the only one who expresses ideas and thoughts. He stated that he just hasn't had the time to think of ideas (I think, I'm not quite sure if that's what he meant), then he said that over this school break, he'd think of ideas. To which I stated- you can't put time to just think of ideas, or at least I don't. To be fair, a lot of my ideas suck cock. There are a few that I like- but ALL of those ideas are prominent with me just being up late and trying to fall asleep and coming up with something, I don't agree that we should be put on a mountain to think of ideas. I think that the fluidity of your imagination and mind has to have SOMETHING in it, you know. But, we argued for a while, till I just said fuck it and said goodbye.

I kind of realize that I have very little friends. I have a few good ones who I love; but I don't really get together with a bunch of friends and hang out (other than with Cameron, Clay, Greg, and the occasional Richie). And- I don't really get to hang with any of them, it kind of sucks. I miss my friends, I miss being recognized when I walk outside. I guess that has a little bit to do with summer, but whatever. Maybe I'm just a bad guy, I don't know.

Some people may know, I have a tendency to have low level panic attacks. It's not a fun thing. I used to have them a lot, I was always afraid that I'd get left behind in this world, and all of my friends would move on without me. It just makes me think, I'd get scared- I'd start hyperventilating, followed by crying. Which I would then go on a walk. I always thought that my friends would just lose interest in me. Am I wrong?

Oh well.

So, I found out that Christina's mom is reading my blog. Mostly because of a joke comment I made on her myspace a while ago. Oh well, and then I found out that her mom doesn't approve of my blog.

I'm at a point to where very little matters to me. My mind, my girlfriend, my friends, and my books- all that matters. I could care less if everything I owned went up in flames.

I fought with my grandparents earlier. We were talking and they started talking about my mom, and my grandma said to my grandpa "Josh is gonna grow up and prove it to his mom by being something good."

To which, I said "Not."
They said "Yes", I said "I have no need to prove anything to anyone, especially not my mom", and so we fought for a long time because I don't hold grudges against people, or have anything against people (at least not long standing grudges. I get over things quite easily) and by the end of the argument it ended with them saying "You're never going to be good in this life!", to which I said "Fine by me, if that's what the universe has in store with me". Then I walked away laughing.

Also- I started my diet finally today. Going pretty good so far. I just bought some fruit to keep my tummy at ease instead of craving sweets.

- Josh