The Josh Bennett Bible, Book Two: Exodus

So in continuation of my everlasting damnation for all of eternity, I've produced a second book, in my "bible rewrites". You can read the first one, here.


Book Two, Exodus:

These Egyptian motherfuckers named the Hebrews were paying off a debt to some nigga from some coke he gave them three years ago at a bustop- while waitin' to go to the Piggly Wiggly and cash in their food stamps. Of course this nigga took the food stamps, he wanted some fucking Kool-Aid. So, after G heard his Hebrew bitches was in trouble, he sent this mystical-superhero motherfucker named Moses to help free the Hebrews. Moses went all Godfather Part I on them, and asked those bitches if they wanna let them go- these Egyptians needed the Hebrews to grow and harvest their weed- so they wouldn't let them go.

So big G sent down some apocalyptic shit down on Eygpt, you know- giant fucking birds and shit. The Egyptians let the Hebrews go, and big G was like "ight, all you fucking Hebrew honeys and shit- you motherfuckers can have Israel, if you can make your silly asses to it". The Hebrews crossed through the desert, and big G was pissin' water for them down there. Moses met up with G for payment at a motherfucking mountain, and big G gave Moses laws for his people. So Moses made a giant motherfucking tee-pee and he and his other bitches would serve Big G.


(Going to hell)

- Josh

The Josh Bennett Bible, Book One: Genesis

In an effort to further my seat into the depths of hell, I've embarked on a new experiment.
I'm re-writing the bible.
I'm doing EVERY book of the bible, and it'll just be summaries- nothing huge and extensive, probably paragraph or two at most.
Setting it in modern day, including sex scenes, gun fights, super-heroes, gangsters, polar bears, and Al Gore.
Still not sure how often they'll be posted (pending me NOT being deleted from Blogger for it), but enjoy.

Book One, Genesis:

So in the beginning there was this intense motherfucker named God, his homies called him G though. He would fuck bitches up left and right. He was rolling in the money so much- he wanted to build himself an entire compound, make it as big as fucking planet, hire Cubans to take care of it- fucking intense motherfucking shit. G made it all pretty and shit. Then he had two of his niggs come down from South Central to chill out, but then they started stealing and eating all of his shit. G loves his fucking apples, and he wasn't gonna stand for that shit. So G started being an major asshole, and decided to just leave the place, but leave them there to teach the bitches a lesson. It was this tight honey named Eve, and this mafiaoso motherfucker named Adam. They fucked like rabbits forever. So, big G came back one day and was like "Aight Bitches, you're staying here- but my homie Jesus is gonna be here one day to fuck you up", so- Adam and Eve kept fucking, and so did their kids. Shit was starting out REAL tight, and REALLY fucked up.

- Josh.